I’m 10 years late.

Trigger warning: rape and sexual assault.

No one warned me Girl with the Dragon Tattoo had a TERRIBLE rape scene. And yes, I know I’m watching this movie a decade after it was released.

I felt physically ill at how angry and trapped Lisbeth was. Conflicted feelings about depicting sexual assault on women in media aside, I also didn’t expect for this story to be so driven, at its core, by women surviving violence at the hands of men in their lives.

There was a father in the story. A man who sexually and physically assaulted both his children- a daughter and a son -for years. He slaughtered many young women over the years all the while quoting punitive biblical verses from Leviticus. One night, the daughter, Harriet, realized her father had murder in his eyes and ran to escape him. He caught up with her, and she struck back — killing him.

These women- Lisbeth and Harriet- made life-altering, soul-altering decisions to survive. They had been stripped of their power time and time again by men in their lives. Harriet escapes her family and flees the country to build a new life. Lisbeth holds the threat of leaking documentation of her rape over the rapist, after tying him up and giving him a similar ordeal.

The cost of survival rings in my head, even a day after watching the movie. I wasn’t physically ever raped by my father. But I understand the loss of my autonomy. I understand being controlled over what I should think, how I should behave. I understand being punished for not doing what my father wanted. I understand the sadistic satisfaction my father received from forcing me to bend to his will. I understand his eyes on me as I was in my bathing suit. I understand him forcing his grip over my fingers and hands even as I tugged to be released. I understand being coerced to say I love him. What is rape, if not mastery over someone’s will? And yes, I no longer am dependent on him and I no longer speak to him. He no longer has the ability to control and punish me. But wounds remain, and I find myself in agony whenever I am not systemically punishing myself with exhaustion.

Who undoes this damage?